After studying and a bit of procrastinating during my midterm week, I finally found peace today. I just arrived home from my Physics exams and the result of my test did not assure me of my future.
I know that I will failed that subject. Having missed the last two quizzes, I only stipulated a low score overall my 50 item quizzes. And my teacher will not unforgiving to accept and explanation for my being late in his class. But it was also a mistake in my part that I fail to wake up early, which I usually do during weekends.
I am afraid that I will a lot of subjects this semester because I'm slacking off. Ones I have been placed in the dean's lister, I will be labeled as a drop out for being such a lazy ass. I'm tired and my mother is expecting more from me. Though it wasn't my choice to become a nurse, this course was just force upon me by my grandmother. However, I don't have much of a choice because she is the one whose paying for the fully payment school tuition fee. You probably think that I'm lucky. But I'm not.
Actually, God seems to hate me because I always find myself in all the drastic situation unimaginable. But I can't hardly blame it on God because it was truly my fault for having a huge chip on my shoulder since my father died. I hate my life but at the same time I love being in it.
How can I possibly hate my life when I love to live it? I know it doesn't makes sense. But does everything in this world makes sense to you?
I'm a confused person, always indecisive yet extremely impulsive, a counterbalance between the two opposites. I am a walking contradiction.
And that makes me, who I am. A human being with a unique trait like everybody else.
One of the reason why I can't even understand myself. And one of the many reasons why I can't trust myself to make my own decisions because I'm afraid to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. Mistakes that I have kept on repeating that it became something like a habit to me.
Foolish pride is my Achilles heels. And my blind reasoning is the thing that made me irrational, prone to many humiliating circumstances.
But how much I ever wanted to change my attitude, I can't because it had already ingrained into the very depths of my being that I can't tear it from me.
It is now a vital part of my soul and my heart. And a soft bruising or a gentle scratch could hurt me.
Eventhough everyone thought of me as someone strong and capable, they don't know how vulnerable I am, how I easily got hurt, or how silent tears fell freely from my eyes when no one was looking, and how they never seems to care that my heart is bleeding too for the errs that I have done.
Moved by my blind pride, I rarely uttered an apology or admitted guilt.
Because in my inane reasoning, the pain that I suffered is far more greater than speaking an apology. And voicing out anything that is a part of my inner torment, would be the fatal blow to my bleeding heart.
And as I bear the pain and the all the mistakes that I have made, and blaming it all on myself, that was when depression sets in. I don't know when it happen or how it happen or even why it happen. Perhaps all the mistakes that have done it the past and the utter humiliation that I have gone through, had brought more sorrow and torment into my life.
While I continue to plunge deeply into depression and losing focus towards my future, I became immense in consoling myself in writing my stories and reading reviews. And like a drifter in the sea, I find the lifeboat that brought a small speck of joy into my life. It is really amazing how simple words of "update please" or "it was cute" have save me from totally sinking deeply into this depression.
I'm losing everything that I have. And all I want to do is just stay in my bed, curl myself into a fetal position and just imagine myself as a different person. Crying doesn't help, and if I want too, I couldn't, because my tear ducts have dried up, and pitying myself doesn't relieve the pain in the least, it only worsens it.
And like I strong person like everyone believe me to be, I wake up, start my morning rituals, and then step into my life; acting like a total bitch.
But as the days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months, I could no longer bear the pain and my true colors shown. The first one who ever noticed the change in me was my mother, she told me that I'm losing weight, and when I step into the weighing scale, my mother was telling the truth. I had lost 10 lbs and I finally noticed that my uniform pants was beginning to look baggy.
Then after that, my mother told me that I look pale and the stress in my face became evident. My life was spinning out of control and I became like a zombie.
The symptoms of depression became clear, and I keep spending time writing my stories to relieve my stress and bring a small smile into my face when I read the reviews. And so the balance between leisure and responsibility was broken and I became out of focus. Then I sink further into depression when all seems to be turning out badly from my life. But this time there will no lifeboat or any help coming for me. This time, I could only depend on myself.
And save myself before I drown........
That it the truth behind the name that became my second identity.
In this Live journal, this is not a story about anyone, particularly Itachi and Sakura, nor this is story about bloomsburry, who you only know as a fan fiction writer.
In this column, this special section reserves only for the person who hid behind a second persona.
My real name is Hazel Louise and I bring my life story through this website.
I would be honest and real.
This is not a fiction story.
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